Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Quest for Inner... something

The week before last I was in North Carolina doing a workshop on leadership and personality. Lucky for me my boss believes in management training before you're a manager, which is really nice. While I think I'd make a good manager, the prospect is sort of terrifying- telling people what to do? Seriously? It was pretty obvious that I needed some background training so that when the time comes I am a step ahead.

Anyway, before this class/workshop/seminar (I don't know how to describe it), I did a very in-depth personality profile, and it wasn't just me. Oh no. It was me, my boss, my significant other, friends, co-workers, parents, siblings, you name it, they were fair game to critique me. Well I wasn't too afraid of what I would find out because really I know what my weaknesses are: I try to please people and I avoid confrontation. That's me in a nutshell. What I liked what that they also explored your strengths, and those to me were the surprising part. I'm good at building teams of people and keeping them motivated. I'm also very organized and good at directing projects. Maybe this whole management thing won't be so bad after all.

I didn't just explore strengths and weaknesses though. I also found out how to balance them with other parts of my personality. Turns out that those parts of me that would balance out my pleasing people to the point of self destruction are not very well developed. Actually, it turns out that they are pretty much non-existent. So for the next few months I would like to try to do some things that would help out this silent part of me. Things like taking more initiative and being more open about how I feel. And reducing the stress and anxiety I experience on the inside because it affects every aspect of my life. I think this will be really good for me not just in a corporate setting but also at home.

I brought some of this up with MHM and I don't think he understands what's going on here. He thinks I am using this as another way to be obsessive and beat myself up for not being good enough. I think the prospect of the person you love deliberately changing something about themselves can be a little intimidating. It didn't help that I was an occasional weepy mess a few times this week trying to work through this in my head. I'm not really good at articulating what is happening in my brain, but once I process for myself I might be more comforting about all of it. The thing is, now that I have taken this class and I see what I can do to help myself, there's really no way to turn back. It's a done deal, unless I have my memory erased.

This week was trying because MHM and I got pretty tired of staring at each other's eyeballs. I'm a person who gets a lot of energy from being alone and being quiet and listening to music or reading or whatever it is I do, and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be to have someone HERE all the time. I don't know how the heck I'll ever make it to marriage. It's not him, it's the fact that I like to be alone. But about 2 hours after he left yesterday I was bored and missed him and slept terribly and moped and was really pathetic. So I don't know what I'll do. Buy a duplex? Hole up in the attic for hours? What? What's the solution to all of this? I never was good with roommates, and this is why. It's too much THERE there.

So now I'm on a quest for inner peace. To ease the anxiety. Yesterday I bought a clock radio (I took my old one to work several months ago to drown out the country music coming over the cube wall every single day of my working life...) at Target and it was AWFUL. Really bad sound- the sound of the CD being read was louder than the music. And it had nature sounds that MHM pointed out sounded just like a babbling brook. Or bacon frying. So I returned it tonight and got a Sony Dream Machine for the same price and it is WORLDS better. I also picked up a couple of CDs- one was ocean waves, and the other is rain and thunder. They are GREAT. Very soothing and relaxing. I can go to sleep (it has a sleep function!) to rain and wake up to NPR. That makes my morning. It also has an audio jack that I can plug into my old Walkman and play my relaxation and insomnia hypnosis tapes. Oh, and it has adjustable snooze, I can increase the snooze time every time I hit the button. I might never make it to work again. So now all of my relaxing and soothing CDs live in my bedroom. I could really get used to this. Really, this is a wonderful addition to my bedroom, and it is bound to make me sleep better. So I'm going to go take a bath and try it out.

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