Friday, June 05, 2009

Quietly Going Mad

This is not a very interesting or uplifting post. I'm glad it is the weekend. My closest friends and family know that for some reason I have just been going through SOMETHING lately, because my anxiety is ramped up to an 11 and I'm not sleeping on my own. (Hee hee, that was fun. I bet you were all like DAMN that Heather is awfully forthcoming with the personal information, and why would anxiety mean she's not sleeping by herself? That doesn't make sense... unless she's sleeping with some guy who is causing her anxiety, but in that case why not just dump him? Or maybe she's checked herself into the loony bin and she's sharing sleeping quarters, like in Annie? Wait, that was an orphanage, wasn't it? What is wrong with her? And why do I read this pointless drivel? This woman freaks out ALL THE F'ING TIME. Dammit woman! Get a grip!!!) Ahem. I am not sleeping without the help of drugs. That's not nearly as interesting as it sounded before, is it? I'm taking sleeping pills for 2 weeks, because I know that if I can't sleep, then NOTHING else is going to get straightened out. If that doesn't help the situation (tossing and turning until 5:00 am, with the occasional nightmare thrown in because WHY BE CALM?), I'll take the next step (I'm pretty sure that involves therapy).

Everything feels like it's pretty shaky in just about every area of my life and I'm a control freak so this does not sit well with me. I try to be laid back and zen about it and think ohhhhh, well, to each his own what am I going to do about it anyway? There's NOTHING I can do about ANY of the things that are eating at me. And that's okay. It's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. OOOOooommmmmmmmmmmmmmm. My brain is not so great at letting shit go.

To help get myself over this particular little speedbump in life, I've been doing a couple of things that I really enjoy, like playing with lots of fabric/trim/sewing fun things. I just got all of the DVDs for the entire series of The West Wing off eBay, which I am over the moon excited about. I'm also trying to keep my apartment really clean (I always feel better then the clutter and dust are under control), but trying to not be OCD about it. It's getting to be time to go through some stuff and get rid of some things I don't use or look at any more. That will probably help pull me out of this slump too- I get really excited when I get rid of a lot of crap. The idea of buying a house is officially out- and that decision alone calmed me down a lot. It would be sort of like buying something you're not exactly sure you want and you can't exactly afford just because it's on sale. And finally, to make sure that I'm doing everything I possibly can to make/keep myself healthy I'm working out really consistently and eating probably healthier than I ever have before (I'm talking raw foods and hemp protein and fish oil- DUDE, if that's not healthy I don't know what is). And I'm just so ready for my vacation. It is in less than a month. Surely I can last that long.

Soooo, if I seem more quiet than usual, rest assured that I'm probably making trips to Goodwill or playing with cooking or dusting or napping, or just doing what I can to get back to my old cheery self.

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