Monday, August 31, 2009

Indoor Friend

Lately a lot of my friends have really gotten into outdoorsy things, like hiking and camping and kayaking. They look at me with pleading eyes, and in soothing wistful tones they say things like, "Heeaaather, why won't you come camping with us? It is sooooo much fun!" And as much as I love the idea of sitting around a campfire sharing a bottle of whiskey with a group of people and "accidentally" sharing a sleeping bag with a stranger and having a rollicking good time, I have to decline.

I am not an outdoorsy friend. I am an indoor friend. And there are 3 big reasons for this.

Reason #1 The Blair Witch Project. Yeah you go right ahead and laugh, roll your eyes and say this is the dumbest movie you ever saw and the only thing it left you with was a good case of motion sickness. I say to you, oh doubters, that Stephen King, that master of horror himself, thinks this one is a scary movie.

Reason #2 primitive and/or nonexistent restrooms. Ha ha. Forget it. I like the ability to flush.

Reason #3

This is on my back door (on the outside thank god or I'd be calling somebody big and not afraid of bugs) right now EVEN AS I TYPE. Praying Mantis! Some of the cruelest predators in the world- I'm not kidding. Google it! And look at the shear SIZE of this dude!He's the length of my FINGER.

If that's not enough to make you run indoors like a scared 6 year old, this is the best picture I could get of the spider living next to my front door last week (there was no way in hell I was getting too close- its body is the size of the end of my thumb). It mysteriously disappeared (SHIVERS) and I have since swathed that entire area in about 5 lbs of insecticide.
As usual, feel free to click those pictures to make them bigger! See you at the hotel!


Dayle said...

Great post. Two things: 1. your nail polish is also frightening. 2. Maybe you should also remind your readers how big your hands actually are. :)

Heather Meadows said...

LOL! Did you know some people keep preying mantises as pets? They eat other insects, so it's a fun way to keep your home fly-free.

Or not ;)

Heather said...

Dayle: you can't really make out my nail polish- the picture is quite dark. But if you keep it up I will be painting it on your toes when you're sleeping.

Readers: I have HUUUUGE hands. Like man-hands, but daintier.

Heather: CHILLS! Who would want these in a HOUSE??? They look like baby aliens! That is HORRIFYING. Ugh. Scared now.